Well, it was horse-trading week in the NFL as teams in the hunt filled roster gaps (Jags traded for half a defense!), while teams spiraling downwards held sidewalk sales to secure future options. Trading deadline is always a telling week in football, as we get a glimpse into how teams view themselves and which GMs are shrewd dealers and which are prone to getting fleeced. I loved all the wheeling and dealing portrayed in the movie ‘Draft Day’, although Cleveland being featured as the team coming out on top was a bit of a stretch, based on their history.
Speaking of history, I managed a sparkling 14-1 last week, so apparently AI does work (yes, CLOD was a joke..). I didn’t pick up much ground on the ESPN crew though, as most of them had a similar week. Let’s get to the picks!
Commanders at Giants – John Harbaugh is clearly the Gandalf of Gotham, because he keeps coming up with magic wins from a mediocre team. The Commanders are plucky, but with McLaurin out they lack the punch they need to threaten other teams. The Mara’s win in Moria, as Gandalf tells Jayden Daniels, “You shall NOT pass!!”
Patriots at Lions – I don’t like the Patriots to beat ANY team from this division this season…and it looks like they won’t. The NFC North is like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse right now, horrifying and powerful. They’re only fun to watch when they are beating each other’s brains in, not when they’re mauling your team like the Packers did to my Bluecoats last Sunday. Does anyone know what WR1, WR2, RB1, RB2, RG1, RG2, LG1, and LG2 stands for? It’s not the combo to your old gym locker, no. It’s the positions on the New England Patriots’ offense missing due to injury. No wonder they can’t mount a sustained scoring effort or put receivers under Drake Maye’s passes. McDaniel enters the Lions’ den this week (with a different result), while Campbell soups up his win record over in Munich. Tonight, let it be Lowenbrau…
Chiefs at Falcons – Kansas City was one of the teams buying talent this week, and picked up WR Josh Downs to bolster their offense from the ‘everything must go!’ Colts fire sale. We have seen what the Falcs CAN do when they work together and Penix rises to the challenge. That said, Atlanta is last in a division where all teams have three wins, while the Chiefs grind on towards yet another playoff appearance. Falcons provide another feather for the Chiefs’ war bonnet.
Texans at Browns – Houston has lost the luster of their bruising defense of the previous two years, but they are still a solid team to be reckoned with, and emerging from the basement of late. Like Fonzie, I think the Browns have jumped the shark, and Colonel Sanders is not a suitable replacement for the dazed Deshaun Watsup on a team that struggles to push the ball towards the other end of the field. Houston keeps boostin’ while the Browns spiral down.
Vikings at Packers – What’s better than a nice used car that runs great? A nice used QB! Kirk Cousins may not have that ‘new QB smell’ anymore, but his odometer isn’t spun and he has fresh tires and a new pine tree air freshener hanging from his radio knob. I think Minnesota just went a long way to securing their playoff berth this season, if he stays healthy. They can shop the ever-unreliable Murray in a Hurry to some other QB-starved team (there’s enough of them), and get ‘groovin’ with a proven’. Jordan got much Love for torching New England last week, but this bunch of Purple Pulverizers is looking to get back to their pillaging pronto, after back-to-back losses. Vikings are kissing Cousins as he slings them to victory at Lambeau.
Dolphins at Colts – I’m ready for Miami to win another one, and there’s no reason it shouldn’t be this one. Each week it seems they get a little bit closer. The only thing the Colts are getting closer to each week is a fire sale. Indy has taken the ‘C’ off of ‘closer’, if you get my drift. South Beach batters South Bend.
Panthers at Saints – Nobody wants to win this division. Each team is trying to give the lead to the others, with nobody taking it. Flip a coin. Black cats eat the Whodats.
Bills at Jets – Nope, this isn’t their trap game. They already had that against New England. Bills provide the thrills, while the Jets are all wet.
Jaguars at Titans – Tennessee has arisen from their slumber like Rip van Winkle (or maybe Pappy van Winkle would be more appropriate), and started to play decent football, but Jagsonville is maturing nicely week to week as Longlocks Lawrence continues his tour of excellence. Add to that the fact that the Jags made three significant trades for defensive players this week while the Titans were unloading expensive talent, and a very good team just got much better. The Jags think THIS is their year – and they may be right. Cats get frisky after they steal Tennessee’s whiskey.
Rams at Cardinals – The Cardinals are rapidly becoming as flightless as kiwis, as once again their tour bus breaks down in Death Valley. Kurt Warner was the last time they were good….flippin’ Kurt Warner….McVay slays the red jays nine ways to Sunday.
Seahawks at Raiders – Seattle plugged a hole in their O-line this week with guard Quentin ‘Full’ Nelson pilfered from the hapless Colts, assuring that the path to ‘Ghosts’ Darnold or Drew ‘Deadbolt’ Locke just got a lot narrower and more treacherous. Fernando ‘Topaz’ Mendoza makes his official starting debut in front of the Seahawk firing squad known as ‘the Dark Side’, where he will get a blindfold, a cigarette and a crash course in reading defenses while getting crashed into as his pocket collapses. Welcome to the NFL, rook! Squawks hold ‘em while the Faders fold ‘em in Vegas.
Niners at Cowboys – The Cowboys are still the Gang that cain’t Shoot Straight, while the Niners resecured the services of DeForest ‘SacMan’ Buckner, whom they had loaned to the Colts for a couple wasted years and then reacquired to devour rival quarterbacks. Dak meets Sac and gets planted on his back. Prospectors expel the saddle tramps from their mining camps.
Steelers at Bengals – This is where it gets real for this division. We all know Cleveland is over and the battle is between these two roughnecks. Pittsburgh (6-2) has been holding on, while Cincy (6-2) has been holding back, until now. This bareknuckle brawl is going to be fun to watch, as the Steelers’ taut D tries to fence in SuperJoe’s high-octane aerial attack. Rodgers’ current dink-n-dunk passing may move the chains and chew clock, but Burrow can make a Cincinnati deficit vanish in seconds with his long-range artillery. It’s time for the Bengals to make their move to divisional dominance. Pittsburgh is rested but still will be bested, as the Bengals are tested but fully invested.
Chargers at Ravens – If Monday Night Football airs a game and nobody watches, does it make a sound? Are you going to tune in to watch Jacoby Brissett restore the fortunes of the wounded winged ones from Baltimore? Uhh, me neither. This game is the Sisters of the Poor versus the Junior Varsity. The Chargers won’t win a game this year. True to their nature, the Ravens eat the remains of their roadkill opponents.
Enjoy the games!
-Pigskin Pundit (Nate Clark)
