Pigskin Pundit’s Picks, Week 6

Welcome to Pigskin Putrid’s Picks, where good judgement gets harder to find week by week.  I got crushed this week at 8-7, bringing my season to 50-29, one game behind Mike Clay at ESPN.  As the Tubes sang, ‘It was another lost weekend..’  I have taken more lumps this weekend than King Charles’ royal tea, which the Eagles and Jaguars got to arm-wrestle for on their jaunt to His Majesty’s quaint little sandlot in London.  Well, pip pip, stiff upper lip and all that, what?  Let’s get to the picks.

Seahawks at Broncos – Denver struggled to put away a horrible Chargers team, generating only 224 yards of total offense.  As good as their defense is (very good), that’s not going to overcome their offensive bald spots when the Seahawks flap into town.  Seattle lost a 3-pt game to the best team in the league.  Darnold is due back, and while that may not matter as much as we think it should, it’s likely to add even a little more swagger to the defending champs.  This will be a defining game for Denver.  Squawks soar when the Ponies can’t score.

Texans at Jaguars – Jagsonville (haha) has been playing balanced ball, and bubble-and-squeaked past the fluttering Beagles at Wembley Stadium for their 4th win.  Houston dusted the Titans off on Sunday to finally escape the cellar, and honestly we know DeMeco Ryans’ team is better than their record.  This week will be a real test for them, as a road win in Florida would be a statement game, and I think Trevor Longrinse (hair joke..) is due for a trap game.  That said, one win doesn’t mean the Texans have turned things around.  Rather, Jacksonville is likely to get Houston all turned round, like steers milling about at the Galveston Roundup.  Texans get branded and stranded in the Florida sun.

Bears at Falcons – The Rise of the Penix lasted..almost one game.  Glass quarterbacks are a luxury no team can afford (see: Jimmy Garoppolo).  Atlanta folded in the late innings, unable to hold Jackson-less Baltimore, and trashing my confidence in their brief renaissance.  The Barelys got skinned and stuffed by the Packers, giving up 367 yards of offense and getting Jordan some Love from the Lambeau livelies.  This feels like a pick ‘em because Chicago got clubbed last week and the Home Depots are at home…but with Penix returned to the ashes, DaBears should have enough to avoid hibernation.  Arthur gets Blanked again.

Ravens at Browns – Baltimore is the zombie apocalypse team.  Destroy their roster, remove their QB, replace their famous head coach, heck, knock out their Francis Scott Key commuter bridge, and they just keep coming.  They never stop coming.  It would be creepy if it wasn’t so impressive.  Cleveland torched my faith in the Browns last week, and with it my stubborn admiration.  Letting the Jets strafe them indicated their improbable run is likely over.  Crabcakes take the cake as they shake & bake by the lake.

Titans at Colts – I don’t know what to make of the Dolts this season….but this win helps them get back to even, at least.  Danny throws back a victory Hennessey over Tennessee.

Jets at Patriots – The Patriots’ offense found fifth gear last week, as they went all-in on Lost Wages.  They basically swapped positions with the Raiders in the NFL power rankings in one week, cracking the Top Ten.  RB Henderson went down again with injury, but they are getting healthier in the receiver room, finally.  The Jets scrubbed Cleveland’s faces last week with 8 sacks, which is a nice win, and their defense is getting ferocious again.   I like this game for being chippy and spirited, and probably closer than the Vegas game.  Patriot Missile Defense System locks down air attacks by enemy Jets, securing home base from invasion.

Saints at Giants – I figured the Saints to be my division champs in the perennially underpowered NFC South, but they keep playing like they are below sea level….meanwhile, the Giants drove me nuts last week with their cousin-kissing OT tie against DC, notwithstanding their late-game heroics to erase a double-digit deficit (sounds like a Scott Bessent term).  The Aints just aren’t ready for prime time yet.  Shough chucks the pig, but the Giants come up Big in the Apple.

Panthers at Eagles – This game is a watershed moment, as I am still trying to figure out what the Eagles are this year.  I can easily see them finding their rhythm and taking over their division, because they are still built strong and talented.  But they haven’t done that yet, and it’s Week 6.  Carolina has climbed to 14th in the Power Rankings while Philly has plummeted to 26th, with similar records.  Carolina leads Philly in most stat categories, particularly offensive numbers.  Unless Sirianni’s team can get out to an early lead and protect it, being home just means you sleep in your own bed after another loss.  As far as this game, I’m with Parmalee (the band, not Bernie) when they sing ‘She feels like Carolina..’  Black Cats prepare for Halloween by carving up the bumpkins in Philly.

Steelers at Buccaneers – Last week’s game against Dullest Cowgirls made me look like a complete stooge (thanks, Dallas), as the Precarious Pirates suddenly found buried treasure on their roster in the form of freshly-minted gold doubloon Jalen ‘Charlie’ Daniels.  The Steelers broke the Colts handily, and should not struggle to put Tampa back in drydock.  The Jolly Rogers fall to Rodgers.

Cardinals at Rams – Well, Mevis the Butthead got fired after having his field goal to win in OT blocked.  This match turned out the way I predicted, with high scores and a donnybrook right through regulation into extra innings, except the Buffalo Allens prevailed.  The Rams had it…then they didn’t.  The Cardinals are…the Cardinals.  They got consumed by the Lions last week, and I don’t see a way they don’t get thumped by LA in this tilt.   Some teams are just built to provide wins to others.  McVay spins a win in the city of sin.

Chargers at Chiefs – CHEEEEFS!

Bills at Raiders – The Raiders got obliterated by New England last week, but I’m not getting fooled by that final score – New England isn’t that great on offense, and Vegas isn’t that bad on defense.  As a matter of fact, they have a much better takeaway average than Buffalo, and 8th in INTs while the Bills are 25th.  Add to that the fact that Cuzzin Kirk has almost twice as many TD passes as the Joshslinger (12-7) the same number of INTs (4), and almost the same completion percentage and this game could get interesting.  It took ALL of OT Monday night for Buffalo to knock out LA (props for the road win), but that could have (should have) gone the other way.  The entire ESPN crew took the Bills in Vegas, rolling with the oddsmakers.  My goal is to be accurate, not flamboyant, but I smell the makings of a contrarian result here.  Bills look for a Wynn on the Strip, but their Encore turns into a Mirage in the Sahara.

Cowboys at Packers – Both of these teams pantsed me last week, bad.  Dallas wore their sun dresses to play in Tampa, and Green Bay decided to pack Bear meat for a change and canned Chicago.  I have tossed it in on the Cowgirls, because they just can’t figure it out, and if last week was any indication (I think it was), the ghost of Curly Lambeau is rising again in Wisconsin.  The Pack is back to smack Dak and the hacks back to Waxahachie.

Commanders at 49ers – It’s a good thing this game will be on late Monday, so nobody has to watch it.  Quinn-for-the-Win watched his team fritter away a two-TD lead late, forcing overtime, and then threw away a certain victory by fumbling the clock at the end of OT!  Adding insult to injury, we had to endure scoreless overtime for a useless tie that benefits nobody.  And I thought the helmets were bad!  I’m calling that game ‘Snyder’s Revenge’, because ALL of pro football was made to suffer through that eternity of unfulfillment culminating in Quinn’s mental meltdown.  This one won’t be close, trust me.  Brock turns in a Purdy one as the 49ers continue to strike gold this week.

Enjoy the games!

Pigskin Pundit (Nate Clark)